Beam Of Light...The end to self-desruction.

At first it was a blur, far from my grasp.

I blink, re-viewed my surroundings and took in the crisp air and cold grass.

My back aching from my bed of stones, it hit home I was submerged in a sea of hallow pain and distressed clones.

Getting up felt like it was in slow motion, bruised limbs reminded me of the painful yet quick commission.

I couldn’t believe my reality.

Felt abuzz with disgust and absorbed in shame and soul-gashing frenzy.

I blink, maybe cry a bit. Gathered myself together and proceeded as usual. Instead now I’m an empty shell.

Days pass, still I cry with every minute going by.

What misery. Wishing to heal, yet pushing aside prayer.

I am scarred, by a sick predator.

Who enjoys sucking on others’ innocence, now resembling dark pain.

Leaving you for the vultures, though he carries on the same.

Deny me my please and cries to leave me the heck alone.

It seems my stiff body gives you more power to silence my voice.

Well… a week later I made a choice.

To get my life back.

A life you have robbed me and my loved ones, leaving me off track.

I decided to not grant the Devil his smile, but to re-gain mine.

I concluded to hell with your behaviour and asking myself what I did to deserve such torture.

You stole so much from me.

My thoughts filter daily the filth you’ve left to brew and destroy me.

Well… a week after your robbery I finally decided to get on my knees. Seek closure from the only One who internally knows me.

Who understands this immense pain and self-destructive frustration.

Well…that week ago I faced my pain. Torn soul and battered confidence. Nothing made sense.

I faced them all. Broke down and drowned my laughter in the sobbing and felt my sanity hit a brick wall. I had given this fight my all.

I needed help, closure to end this horror.

I got down on my knees and sobbed to my Creator.

Felt every bit of life in me stained and unworthy.

He warmed my cemented heart and opened my teary eyes to His beauty.

Re-assured me of His unchanging love, especially when things are this tough.

It’s as if He told me I’d cried enough.

I never thought I’d make it.

But He knew my days would be brightened.

My journey has only begun,

Pieces of me are still scattered and time can only allow His will to be done.

I’m still deeply sad. Sometimes greatly stressed to think you walk free.

But…your punishment isn’t my worry.

I have been given a second chance to only make things better. Refusing to remain in this misery.

What an experience. What a nightmare.

I greatly understand now why it’s said “Life isn’t fair”.

-Thandi Xaba (10 May 2011)