Ear to listen. Heart to accept.

I'm not my past.

Nor am I my mistakes. It comforts me to know I can still dream of a better future...need to face up and be honest with they self and acknowledge I need to realign my dreams accurately.

I have a lot to get off my chest and pray God will provide me the platform.

A safe and allowing platform, where the depths of my heart are spoken and not judged.

It's time to believe I'm better than this... the old feelings of yesterday have been left behind.

Is it so hard to get a caring, attentive ear?

That will not just hear me but listen to the soft murmurs of my heart.

Will it end? Will it be 100% okay again or is this my life forever...

Tip-toeing around my weaknesses, hoping I don't slip.

Looking in and not understanding what's going on? 

Trying to fit into a safe mould but 

my limbs, choked by fear are dangling over the edges.

I get so confused. Confused at the storm in my heart... that actually, just maybe, I don't know what's going on.

What I live, is it what I believe?

Why are the lures to death so appealing but those that give life are an uphill climb?

Why is the grasp of sin so easy to capture but that of freedom requires buckets of tears?

It sometimes feels like I'm watching everything unfold before me, the condition of my heart, the trails of my mind, the extension of my hand.

He is faithful. He is true. He is honest.

I need Him at every turn.

Dear Heart: You are strong.

It took me a while. 

To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch  that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.It took me a while. 

To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch  that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.

Love over all

                                       Pic:lighthousestudentministries.wordpress.com

Your name remains glued on my heart, my lips quiver with excitement when I speak of You.

The beauties of this world simply give us a slight peak into You and the reality of Your boundless imagination.

Mighty and pure...holy and righteous, who are we to be given the privilege to know You.

Who are we to be given a love no mind nor heart can fathom.

Whether at the mountain tops and or the valleys below we rejoice and shout Your Holy Name.

Unchanging in nature, supreme in being, perfect in every way and remarkable in gentleness.

Even when the image of my life can bring sores to many eyes, in Yours, You see your daughter...the Apple of Your eye.

The thought that my name is engraved on the Palm of Your Hands leave my every fiber desiring to worship You... Oh Lord how amazing thoughts of You are...no place can ever replace being in Your presence.

The world brings temporary highs and fake joy....Your heart promises truth.

Truth in everything ever tainted by the enemy.

My words are all to glorify You...never allow a second to pass without remembering the Giver of my every breath.

The purest joy I have ever known, the indescribable peace that flows from Your heart into my soul.

My spirit yearns to know You more...yearns to serve with every energy You give it and bring nations under Your leadership.

Great King...no throne can measure to Yours.

Every precious stone ever made can never compare to the magnificent beauty in Your name.

We worship even when the enemy locks our vocal cords and plays with our minds, the spirit will not be silent.

We praise You Yahweh even when the tomorrows are unknown...Your word remains.

We honour You EL Shaddai because no warrior can compare to You, no mountain stares back at its maker and not quivers.

The oceans slap the sandy beach in rhythmic motions of worship...praising You for Your mighty Hand, that’s able to part the very ocean that's teeming with sea creatures known and unknown.

How great You are Jehovah Shalom...no words nor thought nor prayer can fully convey my love and adoration to You.

Whirlwind in the Jungle

                                              Picture source: splash-of-colour7.tumblr.com


It is at that moment of a crumbling ideology, you face the hardest of questions, questions that won't shake off until sufficient answers are given.

How it happens that when you get refined for a better life it has to hurt so much and even lead to questioning the significance of existence.

They often say celebrate the time in the valley as you celebrated the time on the hill...

The valley happens to be growling with wolves who can not stand the sound of rejoicing and are ready to pounce and devour their enemy.

These thoughts are from a hazy place, one that has no clear vision of its direction. The heart...however knows this too will pass, it's in the waiting for the pass that you grow weary and extremely sad.

You feel you can't stand yourself and reserve all opinion on sin because you have been swimming in it.

Putting up with a double-life in order to remain sane....but the former ways still reside in the finger tips of the sinner.

Appetizing at first but only to scar the very fiber of normality you tried to uphold.

Is it okay to say it is really tiresome... To smile when you actually feel like frowning, to laugh when you just want to cry till life stopped...

I just read somewhere "It's not easy, but it is simple. You have to trust God, no matter what you may face."

When I read it I felt the heaviness of what life can be - either beautiful or ugly, trip me. Literally trip me over my current issues and challenges. Falling hard on the fact that I need God, whether I want Him or not...

When I think of the many hardships people are facing in this world, I realise I am wimping for nothing...when mine are minute theirs are gigantic.

But whatif...just whatif even my minute issues cause me gigantic heartache...heartache that feels like my life is being lived by someone else...someone that I actually don't even like.

Heartache that leaves wanting to cradle in God's arms forever, to never have to face the failures and bad choices of my life.

To not have to see my ugly self in the eyes of a reformed me. They are in constant conflict with each other and remain in their separate worlds despite the freedom offered by Jesus.

It is the strangest thing...looking at yourself through a third pair of eyes. They see you. See your messed up behaviour and see you as you fall deeper into the trap of sin.

They see when you happy and worshiping on the hill. When nothing can knock you over and everything you touch turns to gold.

Both times I suppose, you were being prepared for that place which has been in your dreams and has been your vision all these years.

To get there clearly isn't easy. Probably was never meant to be. Some days are better then others, while for the most part, most days really involve going through the motion.

I can't wait to be loved, cared for and sinking in the truth of being appreciated.

Suppose I can be thankful. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am loved.

Just some days it feels like it is all going to fall apart, like the rug has been pulled under my feet.

As I solider, I thank my Maker for the gift of writing...as it always helps me make sense of this jungle I call life.

The Winds of Distress

                                                           Pic: anunhurriedlife.org

The simplicity of life is heavily veiled by the intricate challenges of life, leaves the soul broken and gasping at the possibility of a new life.

Better and masked with joy.

The homeless youth looking at life with vague eyesight,  sees no were beyond his unique DNA and instead succumbs to the prison of drugs.

Believes no further than what he was told and carries his dreams in the joint he smokes.

It puffs up and mingles with the clouds, escaping his head, reaching the Maker of a new beginnings.

We were never given a memo and were never expected to survive the cruelty that sunk its claws into our backs.
Dream further then your reality because that is were dreams reside.

As the years progress we need to worry....as it has been exposed...it only gets worse.

The Creator knows beyond this life, He gave this life and carries our lifes in His perfect Hand. The thoughts of Him no mind can imagine. It is said He breathed the stars into place, one of those stars being as big as Mount Everest, whole earth is merely the size of a golf ball when compared to its bigness....glorious and unimaginable, it's called Canis Majoris.

When the blows of life hit, we are never trained to fight, never ready to resist, we might sink but again the mass expects us to swim.

Is it even possible to see ourselves in their eyes, in His eyes....when the imperfections speak louder then our uniqueness.

Hold close those you love dearly and confine in their belief in you.

This world and life was never meant to be easy, love is what we dream of and live hoping we will one day be engulfed in the arms of our significant other.

Unjudged, undisturbed, in discriminated,  loved with everything that makes you who are.

So sudden time flies, leaving no room to expand and delve in the possibility.

This life we might not know, this time we may not know how to measure, some mysteries are left for the after life and the now is for the bold.

Secrets have no place in the open mouth of society  they always have something to say.

But who will you listen to......Battered and scared, hurt and perplexed as to why  bad things happen to good people....as the always say...

When a smile is all I could offer, in return a hot mess that leaves questioning my existence for as long as I'm breathing.

But wait, you have not robbed me, instead you peeled my eyes to see the world is ugly, not pretty and heavy laden by far worse abuse.

The challenges we face are greater than our intelligence, as they say only the bare and brave survive.

Day by day bad is reported, announced for the world to know we are heading for the worst.

We look at sights of our yester years and burn with deep sorrow, how did we survive.

The human being is clearly designed to handle far more then we can imagine.

Hold no reservations to what love can do...what God can do.

Crossing racial barriers and cutting deep into the fibres of the screwed propaganda.

There is no room for hate...how can there be when the simple things are free.

The teachers of faith tell us  so much truth and yet the heart fails to nurture the truths they speak.

The world seems to attract more then repel, we ought to listen yet it seems far from reach.

Time...They say heals all wounds, does it really?

Perhaps it does but fears has cemented our feet in the mess of our decisions.