Ear to listen. Heart to accept.

I'm not my past.

Nor am I my mistakes. It comforts me to know I can still dream of a better future...need to face up and be honest with they self and acknowledge I need to realign my dreams accurately.

I have a lot to get off my chest and pray God will provide me the platform.

A safe and allowing platform, where the depths of my heart are spoken and not judged.

It's time to believe I'm better than this... the old feelings of yesterday have been left behind.

Is it so hard to get a caring, attentive ear?

That will not just hear me but listen to the soft murmurs of my heart.

Will it end? Will it be 100% okay again or is this my life forever...

Tip-toeing around my weaknesses, hoping I don't slip.

Looking in and not understanding what's going on? 

Trying to fit into a safe mould but 

my limbs, choked by fear are dangling over the edges.

I get so confused. Confused at the storm in my heart... that actually, just maybe, I don't know what's going on.

What I live, is it what I believe?

Why are the lures to death so appealing but those that give life are an uphill climb?

Why is the grasp of sin so easy to capture but that of freedom requires buckets of tears?

It sometimes feels like I'm watching everything unfold before me, the condition of my heart, the trails of my mind, the extension of my hand.

He is faithful. He is true. He is honest.

I need Him at every turn.

Dear Heart: You are strong.

It took me a while. 

To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch  that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.It took me a while. 

To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch  that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.

Whirlwind in the Jungle

                                              Picture source: splash-of-colour7.tumblr.com


It is at that moment of a crumbling ideology, you face the hardest of questions, questions that won't shake off until sufficient answers are given.

How it happens that when you get refined for a better life it has to hurt so much and even lead to questioning the significance of existence.

They often say celebrate the time in the valley as you celebrated the time on the hill...

The valley happens to be growling with wolves who can not stand the sound of rejoicing and are ready to pounce and devour their enemy.

These thoughts are from a hazy place, one that has no clear vision of its direction. The heart...however knows this too will pass, it's in the waiting for the pass that you grow weary and extremely sad.

You feel you can't stand yourself and reserve all opinion on sin because you have been swimming in it.

Putting up with a double-life in order to remain sane....but the former ways still reside in the finger tips of the sinner.

Appetizing at first but only to scar the very fiber of normality you tried to uphold.

Is it okay to say it is really tiresome... To smile when you actually feel like frowning, to laugh when you just want to cry till life stopped...

I just read somewhere "It's not easy, but it is simple. You have to trust God, no matter what you may face."

When I read it I felt the heaviness of what life can be - either beautiful or ugly, trip me. Literally trip me over my current issues and challenges. Falling hard on the fact that I need God, whether I want Him or not...

When I think of the many hardships people are facing in this world, I realise I am wimping for nothing...when mine are minute theirs are gigantic.

But whatif...just whatif even my minute issues cause me gigantic heartache...heartache that feels like my life is being lived by someone else...someone that I actually don't even like.

Heartache that leaves wanting to cradle in God's arms forever, to never have to face the failures and bad choices of my life.

To not have to see my ugly self in the eyes of a reformed me. They are in constant conflict with each other and remain in their separate worlds despite the freedom offered by Jesus.

It is the strangest thing...looking at yourself through a third pair of eyes. They see you. See your messed up behaviour and see you as you fall deeper into the trap of sin.

They see when you happy and worshiping on the hill. When nothing can knock you over and everything you touch turns to gold.

Both times I suppose, you were being prepared for that place which has been in your dreams and has been your vision all these years.

To get there clearly isn't easy. Probably was never meant to be. Some days are better then others, while for the most part, most days really involve going through the motion.

I can't wait to be loved, cared for and sinking in the truth of being appreciated.

Suppose I can be thankful. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am loved.

Just some days it feels like it is all going to fall apart, like the rug has been pulled under my feet.

As I solider, I thank my Maker for the gift of writing...as it always helps me make sense of this jungle I call life.

Sweet Ginger

Pic: weheartit.com

‘Shadow of the day’

Play and play and release the locks of this attraction.

Sway and displace the diamond sealed in the concrete.

It shone and sparkled immense value.

Could’ve never ended and remained in your zone.

An amazing soul, rare and simply beautiful.

Replace this with thoughts known,

You pure gold, wish forces could entwine this desire not a norm.

Came packaged in a lovely form.

I viewed your sense and values and even butterflies fluttered and passed out from your flood of casual injection of euphoria.

Seems too futile…sadly the world hardly awards love.

Will it sub-side, found a real prince of note…maybe it could’ve been groomed and grown with the days.

Is it possible to remove such a being from my rooms of thought?

Will it get better or worse with time?

Hardly unreal when lips only recite our memories.

Make what’s engulfed me in your aura die,

It’s not needed, not happening again.

Why is it now…over and over again.

The stenches of my lust for you,

My longing to be in your presence.

For once, can I be blessed with  treasure like you.

Shiny and rare…beautiful and valuable.

Regrets of loving so easily has now become a punishment.

Again I need to mend the pieces,

The millions of pieces broken by heavy disappointment.

Why did those words you said colour my ears,

How can you have made me feel liked yet you saw past me.

Haven’t my feet walked this hurt before.

Seems things are too heavy…

Never golden or maybe their lame gestures have rusted my heart.

Hardly any good in the possibilities, I hate these realities.

I’m fed up with these warriors who easily pull on my heart-strings.

Where shall I rest?

Find comfort and acceptance from the evil rest.

I saw sanctuary in your eyes,

Pictured a loving soul and felt a honourable being from your touch.

Loosen my grip on what will never happen.

Too raw…yet the heart has become immune.

Now mind and energy drowns in gloom.

20years of living…still I believe in love.

Still I want to believe there’s one for me.

Understanding and equally loving.

But…sadly there’s been no luck.

Maybe, just maybe it’s my fault.

Maybe I reveal too much and have them regretting they laid eyes on me.

-Feb 2010