Chief-Commander of my thoughts...

I waited patiently for what could have been...though I realise,I have been living in a bubble....I knew this would end badly.
At the sight if the text you sent, I suddenly felt a ton of despair crash my thinking....as the dreaded words punctured my being.
Awoke feeling down, wondering if this is fair, fate or plain torture.
I move on...you vanish from my thoughts and your voice fades with the rains.
If reality was our friend then fate would be different, fact is reality is set.
Time is aligned with the paths of our lives and loudly renounce the show must go on.
I will wait in baited breath for my turn and trust God has not forgotten me.
If love is life, then I need it.
If memories exist as they say they do, in yours I would like to stay.
If my heart was a book, it would have lines of you in each chapter.
Sweep me away and carry me to paradise, paradise being your mind and all that is embedded in it.
I have no place in your life and should not demand it.
Love should speak and caution my heart against such things.
I'm disappointed, upset, hopeful....these days were already written and all this isn't new to my Maker.
I seek comfort in past losers and know that will certainly not help me.
So why do I keep going in circles...can I meet a rare human who will possess the mind of a gentleman.
I will keep threading bits and pieces of words spoken so loudly in my heart.
I will return to my corner and continue writing about the happenings of my soul.
Activity is rife in my mind and I will refrain from speaking of it,instead I will find comfort on pages that will speak sense to me.
Soothe the ache your decision has caused.......

Moving on....day two and I already feel better.
I will meet my other and this will be a faint re-collection.
I will continue smiling and laughing my heart out.
Since our paths end here, I will proceed to journey and explore unique terrains.
Don't hold me back, hoping I stick around...I have no energy to fight.
My head is reasoning yet my heart is crying.
It dawns on me I have not felt like this in a very loooong time...I am blank and I don't know what to do.
I am angry yet I am hoping you recover...come back to me and make this a reality like you said you would.
I still want you, love you...check your online status and see the green light next to your name...
How my heart would weep, weep that what could have been the happiest time of my life,
has now become a devastating blow to my guts.
Time to recover, pack up my picnic basket, balloons, warm kisses and hugs, love poems and happy parade... time go home.
Continue my routine and sink in work.

Chocolate le High

What lies in store for a mind so divine, 

Could never find, something like this can never be fully defined.

So I wait to see the unfolding of this amazing gift, though not mine.

There is high intrigue within your space, the kind of space I have not explored in ages.

Heartfelt words that regenerate my deepest thoughts.

I had eliminated the possibility of finding your kind. You appeared among the wolves and re-colored my imagination.

I wondered if your kind is still made, still exists...you proved me right when you gave me a glimpse to your thoughts.

Like a garden of splendor, with abundant treasure and amazing sights.

All capsuled in gold, I never want to depart from your side.

I say these words very carefully...thinking very deeply about where they could possibly lead.

Who you belong to is blessed...truly blessed since your mind posses depth and truth. 

It is unknown where this will go, yet mentally entertaining, it also seems appealing.

Dangerous and exciting, a thrill known to cause heartache.

Clearly there is a rare connection if I write about it, you found dwelling in my words and stamped your arrival in my life, bringing on a surge of fresh air.

It is greatly unique that there is still a person of your calibre.

Every passing minute has you traveling along with my thoughts.

I reserve my heart, and protect my feelings.

I dread to hear the forbidden words yet I still lure the attraction.

Where will we go with this, countable is the length we've spoken and shared thoughts and every time I am left longing for more.

You are not mine and I should not wish you leave your other.

It would be so cheap of me. I'm tossed in the waves of a man who posses so much peace, importance,appeal....

We should keep this overflowing interest, this brewing interest that I suspect will lead nowhere.

I am intrigued by you, enticed by you. Don't want this to blossom, sense it'll get trampled on so fast from the realities we live in.

Words we share are pieces to a beautiful picture, stealing glances of our souls to paint the voices of our dreams.

Every detail of your personality resounds with beauty, delight and pure joy.

This feeble bubble I don't wish to destroy, 

I simply relish in conversing with a mind so extraordinary.

There is so much I wish to share with you yet it would not be fair because you don't belong me.

My heart is wrapped in anticipation...waiting to hear from you.

There is so much I would say yet I hold back, out of respect  since I hold you on a high pedestal.

One I know you well deserve to be on, all despair vanishes when I hear from you.

Your fundamental likes are all similar to mine, it stuns me that we are in-line.

You inspire me to conceive words and thoughts of beauty, buried truth.

That clearly give account of how you make you feel.

Thandi Xaba 30 October 2013

The Fall of Spirits

The slight rise of an addiction,
Tearing the pieces of my morals to later bury me in worry, constant resentment.
How steady my feet were,How unshaken my views were.
Things have rotted and now there isn’t much treasure.
It’s rusted with ages of foreign pleasure. 
Was once never there,Never knew the sins that came with what I’ve had to endure.Sadness weighs my sanity to its depth.
Forgot how it feels to not be my own enemy.
Relish now, soul in green misery and despair. 
When was it said life is fair.
Come please Lord and rescue my limp soul.
It’s withered with all other days, leaving me so empty and un-whole.
Will I feel or see the colours of Joy?My Lord You are joy, please warm my rock-hard heart.
Drown me in your immense love and forever shower me with Your Promise.
Please bless me Father and restore my being.
Please pull me out of these slumps I’ve landed in and recreate my life.
Face me with wishes You have for me and please let me grow in Your glory.
I’d become best friends with the enemy.
Surrendered all I’d grown to love to appease my sinful appetite and to aid my  boredom to vanish.
I’d quenched my self-esteem issues with false confidence boosters, falsely disguised in a brown bottle.
What became of innocence? Where did humbleness turn to and when did they kill my teachings and morals? I ask them now…truth has caught up with my being.
Living a double-packaged life.

Thandi Xaba20 April 2010

My Day of Reality

It’s said we all have a purpose in life,

That we all have choices,

Killed though by paranoid voices.

You waste away and ignore your uniqueness,

Subjected to the hard substances.

Daily…Night in and out,

Life appears to wither away, unaware of the filth of their “home”.

Image as vivid as a clear sky.

Three people nestled in a rat’s corner,

Around, walling them are smears of something black…

On the right, on a pathetic imitation of a single “bed”, sprawled and coiled, two more stiff bodies lay.

Is that all there is to it,

A horrid, small room. In a dilapitated building with smashed walls and a chocking stench?

All I get are eyes. Junkie eyes.

Eyes that do not know where or when their next fix will be.

A soul living behind these eyes has long died.

One…appeared to have been untouched by water and soap since birth.

Little popcorn like hair screamed filth from the million pieces of dirt in it.

Sitting and I guess soaking the sun,  his clothes’ colours are now unrecognisable, one shoe with no sole.

Yet he sits…waiting for the next fix.

I feel out-of-place yet comfortable,

Surrounded by the grip of addicts,

They’ve rotted and live for yet another fix…

Dirty thick fingers scooping their drug equipment’s, for another fix.

Another… had a chilled demeanour and appeared composed.

Squashed in a dried-up wax corner,

Smokes and inhales…sit back and stares into nothing, rests his head on the stained brick-wall.

Is that it? Really has life been so cruel?

How do you get to this point? When did it get so bad?

Crystal clear are the bits of brown plastics strewn on the messy floor.

A sick display of all their previous hits.

Again… they zone out into nothing.

I loudly think: “These people are human beings!”

Homeless and isolated from reality.

They know too well of struggles,

They know too much about addictions.

That for them it’s a sad existence.

A blessing is probably something they forgot of,

A good deed is foreign to their abandoned hearts.

Out-look was torn apart,

Ripped to shreds from the sight of their daily routine…cravings visible in their sickly faces.

Can’t fathom all that I saw. It’s messed up, a pinch of how others live. How they survive.

Daily slaves to insane poverty, do they dream, vision happiness.

Stamped, burned on my memory’s wall.

The stench of hopelessness.

Nothing appears better or spacious for change.

They toss and wither away in what has turned out as “life” for them.

Their freedom has gone up in the smoke that engulfs their so-called room.

Heavy gloom. Seems like it’s all not new.

A foreign and shocking view. Yet it’s what they relish in and spend their limitless time seeing…doing.

Are they the worst out there?

Has anyone offered them bread, a better life, love?

Do their taste-buds recognise the drug only?

Have their lungs collapsed and only appreciate their drug?

Here we are. Sitting in cosy surroundings.

Living with hill-high complaints, rebelling.

There they are. Engulfed in a life of filth. Suffocating in their matchbox home and given up on a better chance at life. Definitely rough. Too rough.

As I sit there…taking in this disturbing world. I realise I am the only girl in this bustle of chilling beggars, dealers and possible thieves and hobos…obeying their demons to rust and rot away because of their addiction.

An image never to be forgotten. EVER. Can still see their “yard” of smelly strange heaps of rubbish, possibly mixed with faeces and all sorts of garbage.

Little drug wrappers are lifted off the ground by a random breeze…

At that time, a thought passes.

“Isn’t that a poor being sleeping in the corner of the room, getting tortured by the dusty breeze?”

I’m left with a scarred memory, mind.

A lot of questions roam and wonder if any of us are ever satisfied, thankful…

Grateful for all things we’d like to think we own.

Many can’t imagine such a life,

So busy concerned with nothing, clearly side-lining their blessings.

Witnessing the pits of filth called “My Home”. It’s as if they say “Welcome and relax. Just let me have a fix while you make yourself comfortable. Don’t mind the smell of old urine and worn out shoes, feel at home.”

A constant rewind and play of the same sick routine of getting a fix, wandering around like zombies gathering in aimless conversations and fixing up another hit.

Smother in the gross air and breathe in the off-smell piercing the nostrils.

Somehow…I get used to it. The filth that surrounds me.

We complain of zero yet these hobos have zero but keep killing themselves with the injustice they’ve landed in. The grip of their demons.

This is one day I will not change nor take back. It’s gripped me tightly.

Time to leave. They wave, I wave, throwing them a sad smile. And…without wasting a minute, they go back to gather again for yet another fix.

26 July 2010

The 6th of July 2011

Dear Reader

This is a piece I wrote two years ago. I came across it while going through my old journals. I got chills reading it thinking I disliked the mentioned person so much.  I decided to share it becuase I have fully forgiven the person. I have moved on and replaced his place in my heart with forgiveness.

It is very close to me, read it with an open heart as I allow you to take a walk in my life.

Lovies
Thandi

                                           ***********************

All these years the guys I have eye'd were attractive.
But those who eye'd me were not my type (well sometimes anyway).
Memories flood back to high school...*sigh*
Fast forward to 2009, the one guy I thought the world of took my invites and trashed my soul.
He saw a deformed self-image and vandalised it even more.
He noticed the spark he put in my life and selfishly destroyed the flames of my soul.
This one bloke I held to the heavens tore my every fibre and buried my worth.
Snatched my innocence with his raw hands and left the days ahead to devour his mess.
Is it going to get worse?
Will there be a total release.
Fed up of once knowing you excited me and with ease made me hate you. Fed up of you.
Sick and tired of your name, face.
Knowing you once even touched me, knew me, spoke to me.
The enemy is having a feast about this.
Aren't you just proud of your well planned trap.
Sick and tired of your sneers.
Cheers that you've crippled me.
I loathe your entry into my life,
The doormat you so fiercly cleaned your shoes on was my heart.
You trampled every bit of it and now it beats fearing your image.
The one guy I fell madly in infatuation with...
Bore me a strong, healthy being called HATE.
It reflected in his eyes every time he looked at me.
Now stains of pain are hard to remove.
Stubborn and destroying what little admiration I can offer.
I want to forgive, a part of me probably has.
Just angry at the damage you left.
Feels like a disability of my soul, the unseen feeding off your seeds of rejection.