Ear to listen. Heart to accept.

I'm not my past.

Nor am I my mistakes. It comforts me to know I can still dream of a better future...need to face up and be honest with they self and acknowledge I need to realign my dreams accurately.

I have a lot to get off my chest and pray God will provide me the platform.

A safe and allowing platform, where the depths of my heart are spoken and not judged.

It's time to believe I'm better than this... the old feelings of yesterday have been left behind.

Is it so hard to get a caring, attentive ear?

That will not just hear me but listen to the soft murmurs of my heart.

Will it end? Will it be 100% okay again or is this my life forever...

Tip-toeing around my weaknesses, hoping I don't slip.

Looking in and not understanding what's going on? 

Trying to fit into a safe mould but 

my limbs, choked by fear are dangling over the edges.

I get so confused. Confused at the storm in my heart... that actually, just maybe, I don't know what's going on.

What I live, is it what I believe?

Why are the lures to death so appealing but those that give life are an uphill climb?

Why is the grasp of sin so easy to capture but that of freedom requires buckets of tears?

It sometimes feels like I'm watching everything unfold before me, the condition of my heart, the trails of my mind, the extension of my hand.

He is faithful. He is true. He is honest.

I need Him at every turn.

Dear Heart: You are strong.

It took me a while. 

To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch  that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.It took me a while. 

To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch  that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.

Love over all

                                       Pic:lighthousestudentministries.wordpress.com

Your name remains glued on my heart, my lips quiver with excitement when I speak of You.

The beauties of this world simply give us a slight peak into You and the reality of Your boundless imagination.

Mighty and pure...holy and righteous, who are we to be given the privilege to know You.

Who are we to be given a love no mind nor heart can fathom.

Whether at the mountain tops and or the valleys below we rejoice and shout Your Holy Name.

Unchanging in nature, supreme in being, perfect in every way and remarkable in gentleness.

Even when the image of my life can bring sores to many eyes, in Yours, You see your daughter...the Apple of Your eye.

The thought that my name is engraved on the Palm of Your Hands leave my every fiber desiring to worship You... Oh Lord how amazing thoughts of You are...no place can ever replace being in Your presence.

The world brings temporary highs and fake joy....Your heart promises truth.

Truth in everything ever tainted by the enemy.

My words are all to glorify You...never allow a second to pass without remembering the Giver of my every breath.

The purest joy I have ever known, the indescribable peace that flows from Your heart into my soul.

My spirit yearns to know You more...yearns to serve with every energy You give it and bring nations under Your leadership.

Great King...no throne can measure to Yours.

Every precious stone ever made can never compare to the magnificent beauty in Your name.

We worship even when the enemy locks our vocal cords and plays with our minds, the spirit will not be silent.

We praise You Yahweh even when the tomorrows are unknown...Your word remains.

We honour You EL Shaddai because no warrior can compare to You, no mountain stares back at its maker and not quivers.

The oceans slap the sandy beach in rhythmic motions of worship...praising You for Your mighty Hand, that’s able to part the very ocean that's teeming with sea creatures known and unknown.

How great You are Jehovah Shalom...no words nor thought nor prayer can fully convey my love and adoration to You.

Whirlwind in the Jungle

                                              Picture source: splash-of-colour7.tumblr.com


It is at that moment of a crumbling ideology, you face the hardest of questions, questions that won't shake off until sufficient answers are given.

How it happens that when you get refined for a better life it has to hurt so much and even lead to questioning the significance of existence.

They often say celebrate the time in the valley as you celebrated the time on the hill...

The valley happens to be growling with wolves who can not stand the sound of rejoicing and are ready to pounce and devour their enemy.

These thoughts are from a hazy place, one that has no clear vision of its direction. The heart...however knows this too will pass, it's in the waiting for the pass that you grow weary and extremely sad.

You feel you can't stand yourself and reserve all opinion on sin because you have been swimming in it.

Putting up with a double-life in order to remain sane....but the former ways still reside in the finger tips of the sinner.

Appetizing at first but only to scar the very fiber of normality you tried to uphold.

Is it okay to say it is really tiresome... To smile when you actually feel like frowning, to laugh when you just want to cry till life stopped...

I just read somewhere "It's not easy, but it is simple. You have to trust God, no matter what you may face."

When I read it I felt the heaviness of what life can be - either beautiful or ugly, trip me. Literally trip me over my current issues and challenges. Falling hard on the fact that I need God, whether I want Him or not...

When I think of the many hardships people are facing in this world, I realise I am wimping for nothing...when mine are minute theirs are gigantic.

But whatif...just whatif even my minute issues cause me gigantic heartache...heartache that feels like my life is being lived by someone else...someone that I actually don't even like.

Heartache that leaves wanting to cradle in God's arms forever, to never have to face the failures and bad choices of my life.

To not have to see my ugly self in the eyes of a reformed me. They are in constant conflict with each other and remain in their separate worlds despite the freedom offered by Jesus.

It is the strangest thing...looking at yourself through a third pair of eyes. They see you. See your messed up behaviour and see you as you fall deeper into the trap of sin.

They see when you happy and worshiping on the hill. When nothing can knock you over and everything you touch turns to gold.

Both times I suppose, you were being prepared for that place which has been in your dreams and has been your vision all these years.

To get there clearly isn't easy. Probably was never meant to be. Some days are better then others, while for the most part, most days really involve going through the motion.

I can't wait to be loved, cared for and sinking in the truth of being appreciated.

Suppose I can be thankful. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am loved.

Just some days it feels like it is all going to fall apart, like the rug has been pulled under my feet.

As I solider, I thank my Maker for the gift of writing...as it always helps me make sense of this jungle I call life.

The Winds of Distress

                                                           Pic: anunhurriedlife.org

The simplicity of life is heavily veiled by the intricate challenges of life, leaves the soul broken and gasping at the possibility of a new life.

Better and masked with joy.

The homeless youth looking at life with vague eyesight,  sees no were beyond his unique DNA and instead succumbs to the prison of drugs.

Believes no further than what he was told and carries his dreams in the joint he smokes.

It puffs up and mingles with the clouds, escaping his head, reaching the Maker of a new beginnings.

We were never given a memo and were never expected to survive the cruelty that sunk its claws into our backs.
Dream further then your reality because that is were dreams reside.

As the years progress we need to worry....as it has been exposed...it only gets worse.

The Creator knows beyond this life, He gave this life and carries our lifes in His perfect Hand. The thoughts of Him no mind can imagine. It is said He breathed the stars into place, one of those stars being as big as Mount Everest, whole earth is merely the size of a golf ball when compared to its bigness....glorious and unimaginable, it's called Canis Majoris.

When the blows of life hit, we are never trained to fight, never ready to resist, we might sink but again the mass expects us to swim.

Is it even possible to see ourselves in their eyes, in His eyes....when the imperfections speak louder then our uniqueness.

Hold close those you love dearly and confine in their belief in you.

This world and life was never meant to be easy, love is what we dream of and live hoping we will one day be engulfed in the arms of our significant other.

Unjudged, undisturbed, in discriminated,  loved with everything that makes you who are.

So sudden time flies, leaving no room to expand and delve in the possibility.

This life we might not know, this time we may not know how to measure, some mysteries are left for the after life and the now is for the bold.

Secrets have no place in the open mouth of society  they always have something to say.

But who will you listen to......Battered and scared, hurt and perplexed as to why  bad things happen to good people....as the always say...

When a smile is all I could offer, in return a hot mess that leaves questioning my existence for as long as I'm breathing.

But wait, you have not robbed me, instead you peeled my eyes to see the world is ugly, not pretty and heavy laden by far worse abuse.

The challenges we face are greater than our intelligence, as they say only the bare and brave survive.

Day by day bad is reported, announced for the world to know we are heading for the worst.

We look at sights of our yester years and burn with deep sorrow, how did we survive.

The human being is clearly designed to handle far more then we can imagine.

Hold no reservations to what love can do...what God can do.

Crossing racial barriers and cutting deep into the fibres of the screwed propaganda.

There is no room for hate...how can there be when the simple things are free.

The teachers of faith tell us  so much truth and yet the heart fails to nurture the truths they speak.

The world seems to attract more then repel, we ought to listen yet it seems far from reach.

Time...They say heals all wounds, does it really?

Perhaps it does but fears has cemented our feet in the mess of our decisions.

Sweet Ginger

Pic: weheartit.com

‘Shadow of the day’

Play and play and release the locks of this attraction.

Sway and displace the diamond sealed in the concrete.

It shone and sparkled immense value.

Could’ve never ended and remained in your zone.

An amazing soul, rare and simply beautiful.

Replace this with thoughts known,

You pure gold, wish forces could entwine this desire not a norm.

Came packaged in a lovely form.

I viewed your sense and values and even butterflies fluttered and passed out from your flood of casual injection of euphoria.

Seems too futile…sadly the world hardly awards love.

Will it sub-side, found a real prince of note…maybe it could’ve been groomed and grown with the days.

Is it possible to remove such a being from my rooms of thought?

Will it get better or worse with time?

Hardly unreal when lips only recite our memories.

Make what’s engulfed me in your aura die,

It’s not needed, not happening again.

Why is it now…over and over again.

The stenches of my lust for you,

My longing to be in your presence.

For once, can I be blessed with  treasure like you.

Shiny and rare…beautiful and valuable.

Regrets of loving so easily has now become a punishment.

Again I need to mend the pieces,

The millions of pieces broken by heavy disappointment.

Why did those words you said colour my ears,

How can you have made me feel liked yet you saw past me.

Haven’t my feet walked this hurt before.

Seems things are too heavy…

Never golden or maybe their lame gestures have rusted my heart.

Hardly any good in the possibilities, I hate these realities.

I’m fed up with these warriors who easily pull on my heart-strings.

Where shall I rest?

Find comfort and acceptance from the evil rest.

I saw sanctuary in your eyes,

Pictured a loving soul and felt a honourable being from your touch.

Loosen my grip on what will never happen.

Too raw…yet the heart has become immune.

Now mind and energy drowns in gloom.

20years of living…still I believe in love.

Still I want to believe there’s one for me.

Understanding and equally loving.

But…sadly there’s been no luck.

Maybe, just maybe it’s my fault.

Maybe I reveal too much and have them regretting they laid eyes on me.

-Feb 2010

So Long...(Back when I hoped I'd be someone's someone...yet that someone still left me)

Strange as the dreams we set, forget, the seeds are laid in our forgiveness, fullness.

Help us reach the untouchables,

Forgettable, label us the monsters of consciousness.

Move on from hurts. Blurts of what set us aside,

It’s in the mind, take my emotions on a ride.

Erased are words you claimed completed my world.

Felt like your number one girl.

All is forgotten, you left marks unknown to my being.

I roam knowing, I was worthy of meeting my possible Life King.

It was amazing, emotions you raised that falling, deeper in your aura of un-felt loving.

All that’s left is to say Thank-you.

I’m cemented, firmly in your grounds so new. I felt you.

Saw you as my partner in love.

It’s kept me awake, it wasn’t fake.

Left and gone…I’m grateful I knew you and went through all I did with you.

Lovers of Love

Days when shyness pinned us to our own demons.

Seeing our hope listed under the removals, since then a woman has stood the trial.

Grey days were when inferiority packaged our existence, having no alliances.

The wise and old, all races…somehow all dream of a free country…

One embracing our intelligence first, ignoring what’s deemed sultry.

Acknowledge our sweet injection of love into everything we touch.

Giving the unmaterialistic treasures and giving birth to God’s beauty.

Pieces of His Majesty shining in our off-springs.

Grant us…allow us to defeat the injustice and constant beatings.

Give us a chance to not see the green-eyed monster, looking back in our reflection.

Allow us to smile without having a flood of tears drowning our stint of joy.

Allow our voices to drown the critics.

Deafen the whistles gasping at sights of beautiful skin.

We love the sight of harmony.

The feeling of understanding.

So long we’ve waited for complete freedom for the world’s life-bearers.

Warm nurtures, replicas of angels...

Fear the power they possess,

Well mannered and hardly careless.

No perfection but a journey to wholeness.

Greatness is forever in us.

See our worth not from what pleasures you had in mind.

Rather polish our worth with genuine words while appreciating our presence.

Women are sprinkled with only what we know and understand.

Morals, values and good characters.

Lovers of love and abundant givers love.

1993

The inviting face of a happy ever-after...a bubble of light fairy colours and shades.

The chasm is broken by a burning sting from a brewing pot of disbelief...”It could never happen.”

To sadly sit through reality, paging through fantasy pages and drawing the outline of each character as though they would appear before your sights, is a thieve to the present blessings.

It is a frilly beginning to the rest of nothing. 

The simple gesture of a warm dashing smile creeps into the lonely heart and formulates hard to believe possibilities.

Slowly and surely the brewing pot of self-image disputes threads a thick rope of scepticism and doubt that some dreams will never come true.

The rope gets stronger each day...it hangs over dreams and unhurriedly forms a loose noose in case everything crumbles.

Yet it seems all, if not, most dreams have crumbled...yet the hope that tomorrow might bring gold keeps blood flowing, pumping life to the musty heart.

Process the “what-ifs”, birthing the idea of eternal bliss. Sadly the assured bliss isn’t tangible at the moment.

We share laughter and thoughts, a bit of this and that...playing peak-ah-boo in each other’s minds.

Yet it isn’t enough to warrant further communication. Or perhaps there shouldn’t be further communication.

The cover might be appealing but the content could very well be unexciting.

Muddled in the passing years...a change in ages each year, you endlessly look forward to your treasures.

Perhaps the eyes should remain shut and instead search with the heart, or maybe the mouth should remain quiet, allowing the soul to speak.

Well...the skies hold our conversation and in the clouds it shall remain. 

Forever Golden. Never Forgotten.

Ngono wa ka (My Gran) embodied outstanding radiance, deep wisdom which brightly beams around my fondest memories of her.

Beyond just being My Gran...she epitomized strength and discipline. Grace and effortless love.

Our hearts ache, pained by your departure from this world. Such a loss leaves all smiles sad, all laughter silent.

Had time shifted or stood still...I could have been able to squeeze in a good-bye.

But instead you left this upside-down land of the living and joined the forever-joyful eternal realm.

We are counselled to know you ache no more, we are comforted to remember He who gave us breathe is now talking long walks with you down  pearly walkways.

I appreciate all the amazing memories I have of you Ngono Tonono. From early childhood visits to your warm home, to the very last telephone conversation I had with you two months ago.

The visit I owe you will be fulfilled when we meet again.

Your presence made the most insecure soul feel complete; your wisdom cemented one’s worth, with each glimpse of your smile coating the hopeless with triumph.

Aus Neo and Aus Nana, my superb sisters... I will continue to gently whisper silent prayers of healing and peace, comfort and serenity.

To hold up the precious principles, the invaluable lessons along with the instilled admirable morals Ngono Tonono imparted to you.

Remembering the beloved gift her life was to everyone who’d been graced by her un-judging yet discerning and loving spirit.

We will forever miss you. Love you. Treasure you.

Sour with the Angels and rest peacefully with Him who called you home.

Words from my heart

Foamy waters crash against my dry skin, millions of tiny sand grains make their way up my heels.

I take in the wideness, broadness and unending blue ocean, it's color burns my heart, bores into my eyes...causing them to cry.
Shed warm tears that join the to-n-fro waves.

I take in the majestic power that lies in these waters, I soak the sun with every blink and wonder about the Hand that put all this water here.

He must be Great, out of this world, unimaginable.
I sense the wisp slaps of droplets telling my soul I have all I need.
There's no place or need to worry. I have no more ways to express the awe of this vast sea.

Area immeasurable and a home to thousand of billions of creatures. Unfounded and found, unseen and seen...all living beneath the depths of water.

Each to its Creator invaluable in His sight.

Gold Trimmings

The simplicity of life seeping breath into your tired being, comes as no surprise when the Angel of Life reminds you of the beauty of living.

It has been a while since the heart pumped warm blood, it has been a while since the eyes cried warms tears.

It takes a while for the mind to grasp things of this world, when in fact  all you need is a glowing star to remind you of where are and who put you there.

Hidden is the treasure of the unseen, in the treasured areas are the rusted golds.

When there is no more room to expand understanding, no measures taken to fill the empty, where to would be the best direction to lead the dreams.

Candy Floss and tears.

I am so disappointed...disappointed in love.
It had unlocked so many closed doors and exposed my eyes to beautiful sights.
It had my heart pounding out of excitement and my tummy in knots.
I would close my eyes and feel the warmth of your hug engulf me in its ecstasy...
Ecstasy defined as "a state of being carried away by an overwhelming emotion".
It felt like I was swept away...lifted off the ground and hung up to soak up this Love.
I had no reservations...since this love showed me sights I never knew existed.
It had my highest level of thought twisted in gold rims and candy floss...lost in the fairytale that always ends happily.
Love. Love. Love.
Words formed little bubbles of thrill all around my imagination.
Cushioning any doubt I might have. It smoothed the rough edges and made the difficult seem easy.
It had me looking forward to a life with you.
Looking forward to the fights and smiles, the laughter and cries.
I used to tell you your laughter brings so much joy to my heart...
Love. I have so many things to tell you. I have so much I want to share with you.
I am upset, disappointed...yet I am excited and I still love you, love.
When you came along I belonged to the fragile kind, the dreamy kind, those that believed in the impossible.
My heart got strengthened with each day, my poems building my broken soul.
I can still see you, every second blink has your wonderful face floating by.
I blink harder to try and remove any trace of you...
Love. Feels like you tore out my heart and smashed it against a high concrete wall.
You wore your biggest boot and kick me in the guts, making me question if I truly deserve you.
Love. It had me writing endlessly about the golden embroidery you were adding to my tapestry.
Tapestry that details the path of my life...you my Love have been added onto my tapestry. Like it or not.
You are there, blending in with the adventures of my life.
I will remember you, forever think about you...Love, I will you have settled in the depths of my being.
Stacked under the "Lost and never found".
Time to move on...

Chief-Commander of my thoughts...

I waited patiently for what could have been...though I realise,I have been living in a bubble....I knew this would end badly.
At the sight if the text you sent, I suddenly felt a ton of despair crash my thinking....as the dreaded words punctured my being.
Awoke feeling down, wondering if this is fair, fate or plain torture.
I move on...you vanish from my thoughts and your voice fades with the rains.
If reality was our friend then fate would be different, fact is reality is set.
Time is aligned with the paths of our lives and loudly renounce the show must go on.
I will wait in baited breath for my turn and trust God has not forgotten me.
If love is life, then I need it.
If memories exist as they say they do, in yours I would like to stay.
If my heart was a book, it would have lines of you in each chapter.
Sweep me away and carry me to paradise, paradise being your mind and all that is embedded in it.
I have no place in your life and should not demand it.
Love should speak and caution my heart against such things.
I'm disappointed, upset, hopeful....these days were already written and all this isn't new to my Maker.
I seek comfort in past losers and know that will certainly not help me.
So why do I keep going in circles...can I meet a rare human who will possess the mind of a gentleman.
I will keep threading bits and pieces of words spoken so loudly in my heart.
I will return to my corner and continue writing about the happenings of my soul.
Activity is rife in my mind and I will refrain from speaking of it,instead I will find comfort on pages that will speak sense to me.
Soothe the ache your decision has caused.......

Moving on....day two and I already feel better.
I will meet my other and this will be a faint re-collection.
I will continue smiling and laughing my heart out.
Since our paths end here, I will proceed to journey and explore unique terrains.
Don't hold me back, hoping I stick around...I have no energy to fight.
My head is reasoning yet my heart is crying.
It dawns on me I have not felt like this in a very loooong time...I am blank and I don't know what to do.
I am angry yet I am hoping you recover...come back to me and make this a reality like you said you would.
I still want you, love you...check your online status and see the green light next to your name...
How my heart would weep, weep that what could have been the happiest time of my life,
has now become a devastating blow to my guts.
Time to recover, pack up my picnic basket, balloons, warm kisses and hugs, love poems and happy parade... time go home.
Continue my routine and sink in work.

Chocolate le High

What lies in store for a mind so divine, 

Could never find, something like this can never be fully defined.

So I wait to see the unfolding of this amazing gift, though not mine.

There is high intrigue within your space, the kind of space I have not explored in ages.

Heartfelt words that regenerate my deepest thoughts.

I had eliminated the possibility of finding your kind. You appeared among the wolves and re-colored my imagination.

I wondered if your kind is still made, still exists...you proved me right when you gave me a glimpse to your thoughts.

Like a garden of splendor, with abundant treasure and amazing sights.

All capsuled in gold, I never want to depart from your side.

I say these words very carefully...thinking very deeply about where they could possibly lead.

Who you belong to is blessed...truly blessed since your mind posses depth and truth. 

It is unknown where this will go, yet mentally entertaining, it also seems appealing.

Dangerous and exciting, a thrill known to cause heartache.

Clearly there is a rare connection if I write about it, you found dwelling in my words and stamped your arrival in my life, bringing on a surge of fresh air.

It is greatly unique that there is still a person of your calibre.

Every passing minute has you traveling along with my thoughts.

I reserve my heart, and protect my feelings.

I dread to hear the forbidden words yet I still lure the attraction.

Where will we go with this, countable is the length we've spoken and shared thoughts and every time I am left longing for more.

You are not mine and I should not wish you leave your other.

It would be so cheap of me. I'm tossed in the waves of a man who posses so much peace, importance,appeal....

We should keep this overflowing interest, this brewing interest that I suspect will lead nowhere.

I am intrigued by you, enticed by you. Don't want this to blossom, sense it'll get trampled on so fast from the realities we live in.

Words we share are pieces to a beautiful picture, stealing glances of our souls to paint the voices of our dreams.

Every detail of your personality resounds with beauty, delight and pure joy.

This feeble bubble I don't wish to destroy, 

I simply relish in conversing with a mind so extraordinary.

There is so much I wish to share with you yet it would not be fair because you don't belong me.

My heart is wrapped in anticipation...waiting to hear from you.

There is so much I would say yet I hold back, out of respect  since I hold you on a high pedestal.

One I know you well deserve to be on, all despair vanishes when I hear from you.

Your fundamental likes are all similar to mine, it stuns me that we are in-line.

You inspire me to conceive words and thoughts of beauty, buried truth.

That clearly give account of how you make you feel.

Thandi Xaba 30 October 2013

The Fall of Spirits

The slight rise of an addiction,
Tearing the pieces of my morals to later bury me in worry, constant resentment.
How steady my feet were,How unshaken my views were.
Things have rotted and now there isn’t much treasure.
It’s rusted with ages of foreign pleasure. 
Was once never there,Never knew the sins that came with what I’ve had to endure.Sadness weighs my sanity to its depth.
Forgot how it feels to not be my own enemy.
Relish now, soul in green misery and despair. 
When was it said life is fair.
Come please Lord and rescue my limp soul.
It’s withered with all other days, leaving me so empty and un-whole.
Will I feel or see the colours of Joy?My Lord You are joy, please warm my rock-hard heart.
Drown me in your immense love and forever shower me with Your Promise.
Please bless me Father and restore my being.
Please pull me out of these slumps I’ve landed in and recreate my life.
Face me with wishes You have for me and please let me grow in Your glory.
I’d become best friends with the enemy.
Surrendered all I’d grown to love to appease my sinful appetite and to aid my  boredom to vanish.
I’d quenched my self-esteem issues with false confidence boosters, falsely disguised in a brown bottle.
What became of innocence? Where did humbleness turn to and when did they kill my teachings and morals? I ask them now…truth has caught up with my being.
Living a double-packaged life.

Thandi Xaba20 April 2010

My Day of Reality

It’s said we all have a purpose in life,

That we all have choices,

Killed though by paranoid voices.

You waste away and ignore your uniqueness,

Subjected to the hard substances.

Daily…Night in and out,

Life appears to wither away, unaware of the filth of their “home”.

Image as vivid as a clear sky.

Three people nestled in a rat’s corner,

Around, walling them are smears of something black…

On the right, on a pathetic imitation of a single “bed”, sprawled and coiled, two more stiff bodies lay.

Is that all there is to it,

A horrid, small room. In a dilapitated building with smashed walls and a chocking stench?

All I get are eyes. Junkie eyes.

Eyes that do not know where or when their next fix will be.

A soul living behind these eyes has long died.

One…appeared to have been untouched by water and soap since birth.

Little popcorn like hair screamed filth from the million pieces of dirt in it.

Sitting and I guess soaking the sun,  his clothes’ colours are now unrecognisable, one shoe with no sole.

Yet he sits…waiting for the next fix.

I feel out-of-place yet comfortable,

Surrounded by the grip of addicts,

They’ve rotted and live for yet another fix…

Dirty thick fingers scooping their drug equipment’s, for another fix.

Another… had a chilled demeanour and appeared composed.

Squashed in a dried-up wax corner,

Smokes and inhales…sit back and stares into nothing, rests his head on the stained brick-wall.

Is that it? Really has life been so cruel?

How do you get to this point? When did it get so bad?

Crystal clear are the bits of brown plastics strewn on the messy floor.

A sick display of all their previous hits.

Again… they zone out into nothing.

I loudly think: “These people are human beings!”

Homeless and isolated from reality.

They know too well of struggles,

They know too much about addictions.

That for them it’s a sad existence.

A blessing is probably something they forgot of,

A good deed is foreign to their abandoned hearts.

Out-look was torn apart,

Ripped to shreds from the sight of their daily routine…cravings visible in their sickly faces.

Can’t fathom all that I saw. It’s messed up, a pinch of how others live. How they survive.

Daily slaves to insane poverty, do they dream, vision happiness.

Stamped, burned on my memory’s wall.

The stench of hopelessness.

Nothing appears better or spacious for change.

They toss and wither away in what has turned out as “life” for them.

Their freedom has gone up in the smoke that engulfs their so-called room.

Heavy gloom. Seems like it’s all not new.

A foreign and shocking view. Yet it’s what they relish in and spend their limitless time seeing…doing.

Are they the worst out there?

Has anyone offered them bread, a better life, love?

Do their taste-buds recognise the drug only?

Have their lungs collapsed and only appreciate their drug?

Here we are. Sitting in cosy surroundings.

Living with hill-high complaints, rebelling.

There they are. Engulfed in a life of filth. Suffocating in their matchbox home and given up on a better chance at life. Definitely rough. Too rough.

As I sit there…taking in this disturbing world. I realise I am the only girl in this bustle of chilling beggars, dealers and possible thieves and hobos…obeying their demons to rust and rot away because of their addiction.

An image never to be forgotten. EVER. Can still see their “yard” of smelly strange heaps of rubbish, possibly mixed with faeces and all sorts of garbage.

Little drug wrappers are lifted off the ground by a random breeze…

At that time, a thought passes.

“Isn’t that a poor being sleeping in the corner of the room, getting tortured by the dusty breeze?”

I’m left with a scarred memory, mind.

A lot of questions roam and wonder if any of us are ever satisfied, thankful…

Grateful for all things we’d like to think we own.

Many can’t imagine such a life,

So busy concerned with nothing, clearly side-lining their blessings.

Witnessing the pits of filth called “My Home”. It’s as if they say “Welcome and relax. Just let me have a fix while you make yourself comfortable. Don’t mind the smell of old urine and worn out shoes, feel at home.”

A constant rewind and play of the same sick routine of getting a fix, wandering around like zombies gathering in aimless conversations and fixing up another hit.

Smother in the gross air and breathe in the off-smell piercing the nostrils.

Somehow…I get used to it. The filth that surrounds me.

We complain of zero yet these hobos have zero but keep killing themselves with the injustice they’ve landed in. The grip of their demons.

This is one day I will not change nor take back. It’s gripped me tightly.

Time to leave. They wave, I wave, throwing them a sad smile. And…without wasting a minute, they go back to gather again for yet another fix.

26 July 2010